Emmanuel Church, Bungay, Suffolk

The Minister's Sermons

"Mums aren't perfect - we just think they should be" by Revd Bruce Waldron - 6th March 2005 John 9: 1-41
I like the line in this reading where the parents say to the officials, about this blind man, "He's an adult. Ask him."
How often do you find someone having a conversation concerning a disabled person, and they talk to the person pushing the wheelchair, or the person doing the signing, instead of talking to the person with the disability. It drives disabled people to distraction. A person is blind, so the shopkeeper speaks very loudly.
How often do you find that people speak to the parents of a child instead of to the child, or speak in the presence of a child as though the child can't hear or doesn't exist.
Sharn told me the story of about two little six year old twin girls she had been speaking to and they said to her, "people talk about us when they see us coming,"
Sharn said, "What do they say? They say "Look there's twins." One little girl said, "They think we think the same things!" and the other little girl said, "And we don't!"
There comes a time in the relationship between parents and children, when the parents have to trust that their children can speak for themselves. This can be a very difficult moment. Children can feel very anxious about taking the responsibility. Parents can feel very anxious about letting go of the control and protection they've always offered. If a child has a disability, it is even more complex.
Of course, parents have to remember too, that they are not omniscient. Responsibility for a child's life, doesn't give you instant access to perfect decisions. Part of the transition of power that must happen if children are going to take the reins of their lives, involves parents letting their children know that they too are human beings working with limited sight. Children have to come to a time when they see with their own eyes, knowing that their parents struggle with the same limitations that the children will encounter.
Parents have to help children realize that they aren't sanctified, just ordinary humans with a few more years experience. If we allow our children to imagine that their parents are saints then one day the children will have to be disappointed.
There has to come a time when we grow up, come of age, and speak for ourselves.
One of the reservations I have about Mothering Sunday, or Mother's Day as we have in Australia is the way we eulogize mothers. I was glad to hear Graham didn't do that a little while ago because it can be a real problem. When we do that, we are in danger of creating a generation of people who are angry at their parents for being human beings, for not being the saints that we expect them to be.
The western church had a doctrine, (it still kicks around in some circles), and it was started by Augustine in the 4th Century. That is what some people call the doctrine of original sin. Whether or not you agree with the perspective of Augustine, the belief came from an understanding that all of us are afflicted with the same kind of humanity. To put it in St. Paul's words, "The good that we would do, we don't. The evil we wouldn't do, we do." Parents make mistakes.
And we all end up at some stage or our parenting, kicking ourselves around and saying, "How could I have been so stupid? Why did I say that? Why did I do that? If only I had had the sense to see where that was going to end up?" We all want to protect our children and we can feel very guilty if we see that we have done it the wrong way.
We've all been through this kind of thing. It is the human condition. We all grow up with a certain amount of hang-ups and foibles and blind spots. If we say we don't, says St. John , then we are liars.
So in one way, the doctrine of universal sin isn't a lump of wood to belt people over the head with. It s a recognition that "I'm not better than you." Its a great leveller for those who want to be proud and say "I'm OK but you're not!"
The reality is that our parents were people. The sooner we stop blaming them for not being perfect, the sooner we can get on with loving them for who they are, warts and all. At that point, we can say that we've grown up somewhat, we can answer for ourselves. Its no longer our parents who are answering for our actions. Its us. At that point, we've become adults, responsible for our own world.
The problem that we often face is that we align parenting with God. Now there's nothing wrong with that at one level. If we imagine ourselves as modelling ourselves and our parenting on God then that means that we are aiming for the highest. It becomes a problem if we imagine that this means we shouldn't be human, and that means imperfect. If we aren't prepared to acknowledge that inevitable reality, then we end up blaming ourselves as awful parents because we haven't been the perfect parent that we think we should have been. But our Christian faith tells us that's not possible anyway. The other extreme is to go on blind to own inevitable failings and blame our kids because they haven't turned out perfect, the way that our imagined perfect parenting gave them every opportunity to be.
The reality is that both children and parents are human beings, and probably no body knows the sins of the parents better than the children and no one knows the sins of the children better than the parents. So if a family is going to work well, both of them, parents and children, need to work with a lot of grace.
You see. God is our parent, and he knows our sins better than anybody, and God works with a lot of grace. We are called to do the same,… well, If we want God to be gracious to us, we have to.
There is another aspect to this story. There comes a time when parents have to stand back and say "OK. He's of age. He can answer for himself now." There comes a time when parents have to stand back and let their children go the way they are wanting to go. They see now through their own eyes. If we don't, they never get to see. They always rely on the parent's sight.
I remember once when I was about 15, and I wanted to go to a party at the railway pub, not because I wanted to go tot the pub, it was a pretty rough country pub where the Irish Catholics went … but because Michelle was going, and she was drop dead gorgeous. Not only that, she could kick a footy 30 yards in her bare feet.
And Dad, who was far from a perfect parent, did something very wise. He just said "Well son, you already know what I think. Its up to you."
And I grew up a lot that night. I had to make a moral decision of my own. Dad wouldn't look for me, and I started to see for myself. I may not have seen right, but I had to rely on my own eyes. It was the right time for that to happen. Now Dad didn't know that it was the right time. He just made a judgement based on his understanding, as human and flawed as it was.
Donald Winnicott, one of the worlds most respected child psychologist said. "You don't have to be a perfect parent, just a good enough parent." You cannot be God. And even with God as our Father and Mother, we still go wrong. There is a lovely line out of Bruce Almighty. It's not a film about me! And the story goes like this. God has given Bruce divine powers, the only thing he can't mess around with is free will. And Bruce says to God, "But I want her to love me. How do I make people love me?" And God just looks at him and says "Well, that's the question isn't it."
Today we honour Mums for their wonderful job and all the hours and heartache that goes into bearing and raising their children. But Mums are not divine, although at times their husbands might think so. They are human beings, and they have to work with their humanity, the same as any of us. So lets honour the Mums, and do it with the same grace with which God honours and loves us, in all our humanity.
Today we honour Mums, not because they were perfect but.because they have given us life. That is a very precious gift and we all have a responsibility to use it well. But if we are adults, we must take responsibility to see and speak and live for ourselves. And Mums and Dads must let us. So we honour our Mums for being just that, the Mum they are, not the ideal Mum, the one many people get so cranky at their own mothers for not being.
God loves us for who we are, despite what we have failed to be. As we honour Mums today, and the role they fill, we do it for the same reason. Mothers need God's grace too, the same as any of us.